Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Unglorious Mystery

Dear Shiddy,

Is it just the end of a decade that was defined by personal extremes? Have I unknowingly tumbled into a wormhole ala Donnie Darko only to discover that my pineal gland is back in 1992?

Why am I depressed? There is no evidence to explain my shitty attitude or bitch-ass feelings. This causes me no small amount of dismay seeing as how I:
  • put goddamn flax meal on everything
  • have dance parties with my toddler at 7am
  • run 3-4 times a week
  • take my medicine at the exact same time every day
  • really like my husband (which I think you might agree is better than just loving him)
  • have a job that has become really rewarding lately
Instead of motivated, joyous, and generous- I feel petty. Beset by grudges. Ready to trip or poison people (so that they will be my best friends?). Preoccupied with judgments and comparisons of my life to everyone else's. Outstripped, overrun, bested. Humbled and insecure. Romanticizing memories that in reality, sucked. What the fuck.

I've been hesitant to articulate all this because in the enumeration of it I think I may be making it worse, or at least ultra-specific. Up to now there's been such an expenditure of effort on my part to be present in my life, to enjoy the right now, to pay close attention. It is difficult to have orgasms about the life I lead right now. If only I had a 13,000 lux beam to shine on the back of my knee this would all go away. Like, instead of Calgon.