Unglorious Mystery

Dear Shiddy,

Is it just the end of a decade that was defined by personal extremes? Have I unknowingly tumbled into a wormhole ala Donnie Darko only to discover that my pineal gland is back in 1992?

Why am I depressed? There is no evidence to explain my shitty attitude or bitch-ass feelings. This causes me no small amount of dismay seeing as how I:

• put goddamn flax meal on everything
• have dance parties with my toddler at 7am
  
• run 3-4 times a week
• take my medicine at the exact same time every day
• really like my husband (which I think you might agree is better than just loving him)
• have a job that has become really rewarding lately

Instead of motivated, joyous, and generous- I feel petty. Beset by grudges. Ready to trip or poison people (so that they will be my best friends?). Preoccupied with judgments and comparisons of my life to everyone else's. Outstripped, overrun, bested. Humbled and insecure. Romanticizing memories that in reality, sucked. What the fuck.


I've been hesitant to articulate all this because in the enumeration of it I think I may be making it worse, or at least ultra-specific. Up to now there's been such an expenditure of effort on my part to be present in my life, to enjoy the right now, to pay close attention. It is difficult to have orgasms about the life I lead right now. If only I had a 13,000 lux beam to shine on the back of my knee this would all go away. Like, instead of Calgon.

The Year in Review

Dear Shiddy,

Let me begin with all the things I *didn't* do this year: I didn't sleep (because the baby didn't sleep), or make a ton of money, or wean said baby, or move somewhere cool.

But I did get pneumonia, become an aunt, attend five weddings, take the helm of a large commercialization project, lose 5 lbs, work on my marriage, refinance the house... I cried watching Obama be sworn in, made a lifelist, dragged my in-laws to the beach, taught our toddler sign language, fantasized about living in a different climate, rode on a yacht, took tap class, wrote a children's book, bought a live christmas tree, and generally came to the conclusion that I need to be investing way more time in my intellect and in my life-of-ideas.

I'm not sure how else to phrase that last part. Often, I observe my husband making these huge leaps forward, such is his voracity for reading and studying and learning. It's humbling. His energy reminds me that those topics that used to inspire me somehow aren't triggering the part of my head that catalyzes projects and ideas and initiative anymore. As if part of my brain is dormant and listless. What do I need to do next?

I want 2010 to be a year where I wake up and ask myself continuously "What do I want?" And if I am not doing the things I want to be doing, I need to police myself and ask over and over: "Why aren't I doing what I want right this minute?" Is there ever a good enough reason to ignore what you want?