Thursday, August 20, 2009

P*ssy Control

Dear Shiddy: I don't watch much television. Between the full-time bacon-bringing, the baby, and our century-old house, let's just say I am fully occupied the majority of the time.

That said, I had the unfortunate opportunity to see some cable last night. The commercials I saw brought me to levels of horror/dismay/sardonic laughter heretofore unrecognized. Maybe my guts have been replaced with those of some whiny old hag who yawps on at length about the old times... but can you please reassure me that these products (and their attendant ad campaigns) are some of the most OMFG you've seen?

I need you to have my back on this. It took every ounce of strength I could muster to not post THIS WHOLE ENTRY in ALL CAPS.

  1. Vagisil Infection Screening Strips (tagline: BRING YOURSELF BACK) These little wonder swabs come with a full-color infection reference card with a gorgeous piss/pus gradient so you can instantly tell how deep into the shit you are. This was advertised on ABC FAMILY prime time.

  2. Fancy Feast Appetizers (tagline: THE PERFECT WAY TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE) Since there aren't any restaurant chains catering to pets (yet), someone had to market the equivalent of Applebee's Parmesan Chicken Tanglers to your cat? (by the way, WTF is a chicken tangler?) The Flaked Skipjack Tuna in Delicate Broth is my favorite of the series. Do we not have more pressing societal problems to address than the pre-dinner hunger of your pussy?

  3. And speaking of pussy, this third item lacks Internets documentation because I've failed to remember the brand name of the product. Regardless, it was a disposable bikini hair trimmer, which in and of itself is not horrifying. However, the TV ad featured women walking by roughly-hewn topiaries that suddenly morphed into perfectly coifed femail pube styles (triangle, landing strip, brazilian, etc.). It was advertised during AFV. Yes, that's right. My 14-month-old sat transfixed for a moment as the glossy, animated image of pubic greenery flashed repeatedly across the screen.

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